Loosing You
by darkpinkraven
Summary: Badwolf has affected Rose more than they orginaly thought. Can she come to grips with her new reality and can her friends help her on her journy back to him and self descovery...i know its been done so many times before but i had to have a crack too :P
1. Chapter 1

**OK…so first attempt at a fan fic. No idea where this came from. But was re-watching end of time and was having a major fan-girl sulk. First they take away my ten/rose….then they take away ten all together ! ! ! but anyways :P here we go…hope you enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I do not own doctor who or torchwood, otherwise rose and ten would be together as would Jack/Ianto and Owen/Tosh :P.**

Her hand lay delicately on her husbands face. The contrast between her young and supple flesh against his warn and wrinkled skin burned in her eyes, mocking her with every touch.

She had learned a long time ago that fate was a cruel mistress. Showing her all she could possibly want, then dooming her never to have it. She thought things had changed, that maybe, just maybe, she had been given a break when John came into her life. Yet alas, this was just another of fates cruel games, giving her the closest she could get a her dreams, maybe not the man himself, but an exact replicate…one that would grow old with her, love her and give her the life the doctor never could. But of course this wouldn't be the generous gesture or lucky break that it appeared to me.

For the first year or so, things ran smoothly. They were a little precarious at first, learning to accept the almost but not quiet doctor; much as it had when he had regenerated from the northern, big eared but lovable doctor to the new hyperactive, rather foxier body. However she soon learnt that he was much the same man, with the same loveable, mischievous, insane grin and wild, untamed and untapped enthusiasm as her doctor. Although, the things she loved most about John, the predictable alias for the human doctor, were the things that set him slightly apart from his original body. They way he was willing enough to tell her how he felt, how he thought her beauty rivalled that of the double sun set on Galafray that used to set the silver leaves on the trees ablaze. The domesticity he soon learned to appreciate and enjoy, such as meeting the lads at torchwood for a quick pint after work.

For 14 months they lived in the happy illusion that for once, they had been given a break. It wasn't until she lay dieing in his arms on the cold desolate street that things took a turn. Her blood stained his hands and he cradled her against his body, feeling her cold clammy breaths coming in short and fast before, after one last hitched breath, she grew silent and her chest grew still. He still held her body desperately close to his, her head tucked under his chin. A couple of tear drops fell from his face and were lost in the blood socked locks of her hair.

It wasn't until her body grew rigid, and the sound of a quick painful gasp did they realize that something was wrong. John cursed the timelord part of him that wouldn't allow him to be fully over joyous with the simple miracle she was alive. The timelord part of his mind reminded him that this wasn't right…that something was seriously wrong. He gathered the confused and shaken Rose up in his arms and ran back to the torchwood base. Not stopping until he had run every possible test that the limited alien tech and his brilliant mind would allow.

This was the night they found out the full extent of what bad wolf had done to Rose's body. Combining with her DNA, not just combining, but manipulating. Including its own molecular structure with her own. When stomped with death, it acts like something between a restart button and re-generation. Rose's molecular structure already stored with the new components of the DNA and the bad wolf component giving the power necessary to restart every single cell in her body; unlimited regenerations but sticking to the same molecular template.

It took another 14 years to fully comprehend that she was not aging either. The effect of the bad wolf strand, not only stopping her from dieing, also stopping her from aging, from changing. She was a fixed point in time and space, with the power of the time vortex behind her. She was an anomaly, something that should never have existed, in a place she could never belong.

The bad wolf strain also explained why she felt so uneasy in Pete's world, as they still called it, than her mother or John. Her connection to the TARDIS in the other dimension was still strong, causing her both mental and physical discomfort and sometimes pain from being separated by the whole void.

Thus Rose had slowly watched her family grow old around her as she was stuck. Her father and brother were the first to go, killed whilst saving planet earth from another threat of human enslavement. Rose never really got over their deaths; constantly blaming herself for not being there, for taking their places. Why is it that the innocent should be lost, yet she has to remain? It took her 7 months to return to some state or normality. John and Jackie still caught the glimpses of darkness and regret in her eyes, but when they approached the subject, her eyes would glaze over and a fake smile would appear on her face.

Her mother made it to the age of 69, much to her mother's claims at 60, being previously diagnosed with cancer 3 years before hand, which left just Rose and John. John new the day would come when he would have to leave her, when death stole him from her side; and he had been preparing for that day.

"You ok?" John asked, placing his hand over Rose's that lay on his cheek. He could feel the warmth of her flesh, but he could also feel the slight energy coursing through her from the time vortex. He had been teaching her the basics of time sensing, and slight manipulation of shape creation that her power aloud.

She shook her head slightly, pulling herself from what ever memory or track of thought she as lost in. "Yeah" she replied simply, giving him a weak watery smile. "Just can't get past the twisted irony I guess…"

He gave her a sad smile, knowing what she meant. It hadn't felt too long ago when his alternate (original just made him feel like a cheap copy, when he was just as good, if not a possibly improvement on his alter ego. And this wasn't his big ego talking either!) version had been arguing with Rose, '_you can spend the rest of your life with me, but I cant spend mine with you._'

He knew he didn't have long. He had reached a rather spectacular age of 98, which for torchwood was a record and masterful achievement. His body though had grown weak. Now he sat in his hospital bed, waiting for his body to fail him. His wife (they had told the nurses grand-daughter to avoid any questions) by his side.

He reached down to the bedside table and pulled out a large yet thin pink box with a ribbon tied into an elegant bow around it. Rose looked down at the box and then back up to her husbands face. "Just a couple of things I've been putting together," John stated with a sincere smile, gesturing at her to take the box. Rose kept her eyes locked with the deep brown of her husbands as she took the box and started pulling at the bow and only broke eye contact to remove the lid and look at what the box contained.

Her heart seemed to stop as she took in the different items that were splayed out on tissue paper. She looked back up at John, eyes glistening with tears. "John…I…"

John smiled as he watched his wife struggle for words. "I wanted you to have something to remember me buy. Little memento's I suppose"

A small smile graced her lips as the tears started to fall. "As if I would need something to remember you buy," she whispered, leaning over and placing a delicate kiss to his forehead.

"I know. It's just…when you return…I wanted…I would rather…" John faltered, trying to think of how to structure his response. After a moment he opened the draw of his bedside table and pulled out what looked like a large leather wrist strap. It seemed vaguely familiar but she couldn't quiet place it.

"I've been working on this since we found out about bad wolf," he explained, turning it in his hands before looking back up to Rose; smiling slightly as he could see her hanging onto his every word, always so intent to learn something new. "This is a vortex manipulator."

A strange smirk appeared on Rose's face, a mixture of humour and sadness. "I think you'll find, _I'm_ the vortex manipulator."

John sighed silently, he could see the pain behind her eyes and he hated any and all gods or deities that were out there for allowing this to happen to her. "This can allow you to jump from one place in time, to another. It allows you to travel through time and space."

"So, its like a mini TARDIS that you strap to your wrist?" Rose enquired, taking the vortex manipulator and turning it her hands.

John sighed rather loudly this time, showing his distain for her comparison. "That, amounts to nothing like the TARDIS. The TARDIS you could travel in comfort and style. The TARDIS is like the most expensive super car, where that" he gestured wildly at the vortex manipulator "is the equivalent to a pogo stick!"

Rose glanced at him through her eye lashes. The vortex manipulator stilled in her hands and a small genuine smirk on her face. "All right. Sorry. God you get tetchy over the TARDIS. Anyway, I don't see what this," she held up the vortex manipulator in her hand. "Has to do with this," she gestured down at the box.

John, clamed slightly after his mini rant, relaxed back into his bed, fatigue starting to settle in. "The vortex manipulator can be fed co-ordinates or energy patterns to follow. Allowing you to travel through time and space." John started to explain. He could see Rose was about to question him but he held up his hand to signify that he hadn't finished. "With your control of the bad wolf. I think this could get you back safely. No universal, two universes colliding end of everything scenarios."

There was a long silence as the enormity of what he was saying started sinking in. "You mean…." Rose stammered, not removing her eyes from Johns.

John nodded wearily. "Remember what we practiced with the time bubble, that let you move safely through time anomalies that appeared around the rift back in 2038?" he waited for Rose's nod before continuing. "Well, I believe that that, will aloud you to safely travel through the void, through the walls of the universe. Sort of like…water being absorbed through a sponge."

Silence filled the room again. Only the background noise of talking or medical machinery that fell into the backdrop. Rose still looked dumbfounded, so John chose to continue. "Of course. I can't tell where the Doctor is going to be, so I can't just send you into the TARDIS. But I can however, and have, set it for torchwood Cardiff, early 21st century. I'm sure Jack will be able to help you find the Doctor from there."

Rose continued to stare into his deep brown eyes. He had gone to all this trouble, building something from old scraps of alien tech, built it so it could get her back to her universe. Gone to all this trouble, just so she wouldn't have to be alone. The tears stung the back of her eyes and she flung her arms around his neck, holding onto him desperately, sobbing into his shoulder. His hands instinctively held her close, wrapping her in his comfort and warmth but mostly…love.

The connection between the box of trinkets and mementos had to do with the vortex manipulator. She pulled back slightly and stared deeply into his eyes. "You think, if I go back. If I find him. That I would just forget about you? That he would just somehow replace you completely?" she asked in disbelief.

John grimaced, not realizing he was so transparent. Yet he supposed to her, he always was. "We are technically one and the same…" he started to explain, but was cut of when Rose's soft lips crushed against his.

"You may look the same, and to begin with, you were. But you grew; you had your own experiences, your own life! And that's made you unique, _you_ are _you_, and _he _is _him_." She smiled down at him. He couldn't help the soppy grin that grew on his face. Rose knew and accepted that they were not in face the one and the same. That he had a right to live his own life, to be his own person. Not tied down to the same existence and life as the doctor. He knew that she still loved the doctor, and that he returned it, even if he could never admit this one fact to her. But this didn't bother him. He knew probably better than most, that people, especially people like Rose, who will live as long as she, have the capacity to love more than one person. And as long as he, John Smith was aloud his own place in her heart and memories, as him, separate from the doctor. Then that gave him all the joy in the universe!

They continued talking, about past memories, reminiscing, laughing and smiling until John became too weak and tired to continue. He lay in his wife's arms as she sung to him a sweet Galifraynian lullaby that he had taught her. He listen to the soft graceful and elegant language be intensified in its beauty by her soft pronunciations. And it was to this sweet sound, with the smell and warmth of Rose around him, that he died. A soft smile gracing his lips; knowing that his Rose wouldn't be alone long.

**Hmmm…..not so sure how this went….might keep it as a one-shot. If I get lots of feedback it may extend. Please review as this is an attempt and improving my writing as I know its bad :P. So all suggestions and con crit is welcome (but please don't just be nasty as it is my first attempt)**


	2. Authors Note

**Just to let you all know I have written a sequel story called Finding You that leads on from this one. Hope you liked this and like the next :P remember reviews = eternal love :P**


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